Angry Birds
by bhut
Summary: After landing to repair their plane at length, the S.H.I.E.L.D. team encounter a giant of a problem. A minor crossover with Tho movie-verse.
1. Chapter 1

**Angry Birds (part 1)**

_Disclaimer: none of the characters are mine, but belong to Josh Whedon and Marvel™._

_Note: this story contains spoilers._

_Location unknown_

The day was overcast, even though the sun had risen some time ago. Outside, a cold wind was blowing, and agent May, even though she could have worked outside, with the damaged antenna and all, subtly opted to stay in the cockpit, working on the problem from _that_ end. Sure, it was a slower option, but a better one, surely.

The other agents were in the impromptu kitchenette of the plane, having their breakfast: eggs, sausage, biscuits, and-

"Jalapeno," Skye said immediately as she took a bite out of her meal. "Simmons, since when do you have a love affair with peppers?"

"Ever since we had to cut down on coffee," the other woman glared back, albeit slightly, for this _was_ agent Simmons after all. "And we had to cut down on coffee-"

"Because I requisitioned your replicator for some time to make myself pomegranate juice," Skye admitted rather than denied it. "I got to admit, I was wrong – your machine isn't better at making juice than coffee-"

"It isn't our machine," Fitz decided to support his partner. "Well, yes, it is _ours_ in the broader meaning of belonging to S.H.I.E.L.D., but-"

"Please, that's enough," Coulson almost groaned. "Can we talk about something else?"

"Well, I have to finish breakfast first before hitting the lab for the final conclusions, but sir, I'm reasonably sure that you're you and not your own clone," Simmons said brightly.

There was a pause as the others thought about it. "Does it really matter, in the big picture, if agent Coulson _is_ his own clone?" Skye asked. "I believe that there are protocols even for that state of affairs-"

"Yes, but, you know, it would be an important milestone on his journey to self-discovery," Simmons replied brightly, even as Fitz mouthed the words 'midlife crisis' behind her back. "Agent Fitz! I mean agent Ward! You're late."

"Sorry. Bad dream earlier tonight and I also took the advantage of our leave of absence to sleep later today," Ward replied with a grimace. "And you're still adding jalapeno to our breakfast meals, I see. Skye, what is the news today?"

"Hm?" Skye, who was sneaking peeks through an illuminator, looked back. "Let me think. The Chinese still think Thor and Loki were an item-"

"And without Thor around this isn't anywhere as amusing," Coulson commented.

"The Canadians still talk about Toronto's mayor-"

"No politics at breakfast, please-"

"The second part of _Hobbit_ will be released next month-"

"Er-"

"And if agent Fitz thinks that he will be using my computer to download his pirate torrents in the future, he's wrong."

"Hey!" Fitz sputtered. "I didn't! I mean, I did, but I have stopped. Seriously, one messed-up version of a James Bond film was bad enough! I stopped!"

"Maybe, but my computer has been acting strange earlier this morning and if you had caught a virus while using it-"

"I stopped!" Fitz protested desperately, "I did!"

"Fine," Skye relented before switching his attention to Coulson. "In other news, there are plenty of owls, and other night fowls, not to mention daytime birds on the trees and elsewhere surrounding our plane. Is that normal?"

Coulson blinked (in a rather owlish way) and also took a look at the illuminator. "May?" he turned on the plane's internal communications. "How are you in the cockpit?"

"Fine," May finally got up from her prone position (she had been working with the wires) beneath the gadget board and looked around for the first time since the sun rose.

And stiffened. "Sir," she responded to Coulson in her quiet voice. "Did you know that there are a whole lot of birds around us?"

"Yes. We're observing them through illuminators," Coulson replied.

"This works," May admitted grudgingly, "but can you come over here? You can get a better view here."

/

The view from the cockpit window was indeed much more panoramic than from any of the side illuminators. True to Skye's statement, there indeed were owls, and cuckoos, and nightjars, and jays, and magpies, an occasional hummingbird, many, _many_ songbirds and even an intermittent shorebird or two.

"Is that a swallow?" Fitz asked Simmons after several minutes of silent observations.

"It looks more like a swift to me," the latter replied. "And Skye? No, this is not supposed to be here... we think."

"Really?"

"Yes," Coulson answered instead. "Those repair stations _are_ self-sufficient, but they are protected by a specialized aversion field that prevents... well, the wildlife at least from taking a roost in them."

"You sure?"

"Yes. S.H.I.E.L.D. vehicles, such as our plane, are equipped with specialized beacons that allow us to land here without problems."

Skye thought that is over. "I know that this is beside the point, but how did _we_ land? I thought that the late Tobias had bastardized our plane really well!"

"So? He just did not get the beacon-"

"You're wrong," May said nonchalantly. "Tobias just gutted the plane. Agent Fitz, when he got it operational, bastardized it – this isn't his primary field of expertise." She paused, seemingly ignoring the stares of others, and added: "That said, it is hard to say what works here and what does not anymore – this isn't agent Fitz's primary field of expertise..."

"Hey!" Fitz decided not to take this lying down. "Don't make me sound like an ignoramus! I know how it works – see, there's this switch..." he flipped it. Immediately, a blinking red light came on, and the birds turned from merely watching (in an unfriendly way) to squawking and flying, and pecking on the cockpit window.

"People," Skye gulped, "did we blunder into a Hitchcock horror film?"

"An excellent question," Coulson said with more feeling than was probably proper. "Fitz, please turn it off-"

"I already have-"

"Run!" Ward shouted and everyone just bolted for the door...except for May, who exited last and instead bolted shut the cockpit door – just as the window gave way.

"What now?" she heard Skye ask Coulson as they headed for the other end of the plane.

"To the vans!"

_TBC_


	2. Chapter 2

**Angry Birds (part 2)**

_Disclaimer: none of the characters are mine, but belong to Josh Whedon and Marvel™._

_Note: this story contains spoilers._

_Location unknown_

An hour or so later the agents were 'camped out' in the woods nearby, feeling slightly ridiculous, if truth was to be told. However strongly the birds felt towards the agents being on their turf, they were not going to pursue them away from it, even a short distance. That was actually good, because even S.H.I.E.L.D.-issue cars are not very good driving around in a forest, even if chased by some angry birds.

"So, what do we have so far?" Coulson was asking his team...well, most of his team – Ward was scouting the perimeter, and Skye was doing something on her computer at least. May was back to mostly maintaining her silence so really it was up to Fiz and Simmons to come up with theories and neither was feeling like volunteering much at this moment. "People?"

"Well, Fitz was probably telling the truth earlier this morning," Skye spoke-up suddenly, startling the duo. "He _wasn't_ downloading anything on my computer, it was being jammed."

"I'm sorry?" Coulson asked with some curiosity.

"Somebody is blanketing this area with radiowaves," Skye replied. "And yes, I mean 'blanketing'. We are not being targeted directly; we've been just caught in the crossfire, to use the metaphor, correctly or not."

"Oh?" Coulson blinked and began (along with the others) examine the data on Skye's computer. "Interesting. Can you tell what is being transmitted?"

"On this computer? It looks mostly like static, it doesn't make any sense!" Fitz said firmly. "I cannot even tell where it is being sent from-"

"I can," Ward spoke up, startling the duo. "I'm pretty sure it is being sent from our local broadcasting tower."

"What? But it is locked!" Fitz protested.

"Oh?" Coulson raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

/

The approach was done on foot and a good deal slower than Ward would have liked. Nothing could be done about that, however – even though all of the agents had some stealth training, most of it was not related to walking through a sylvan wilderness, and the only good thing that came out of it was that none of them encountered a bear, grizzly or otherwise...

And then they were at the 'vantage point', as Ward put it. "So, what are we looking at?" Skye hissed as she took her turn at the binoculars.

"The door to the beacon tower," Simmons hissed back. "This is basically a sonic equivalent of a lighthouse – there may be a keeper, but not often, and the tower just emits a signal that helps our planes land here at night or in harsh weather conditions. 'Helps' being the key word here, some agents, like agent May, can land without any help-" Simmons paused, felt May's glare, and changed the topic – slightly. "Anyways, those towers are locked with special locks-"

"So what did our opponents use to enter this one? A grenade?" Skye asked as she passed the binoculars so that the other woman could take a look.

"I'm not sure," Simmons confessed as she passed her binoculars to Coulson after taking a good look at the 'unlocked' door. "These towers can withstand an RPG missile on average, so whatever was used had a lot of punch. Punching force, I mean."

There was a pause as the others waited for agent Coulson to finish his observations and add them to his subordinate's, but he was taking his time with both.

"Sir?" Fitz finally decided to break the silence.

"We cannot get much information from here," Coulson admitted, clearly reluctantly. "Ward, you and I should probably scout closer-"

"I'll cover you," May spoke up (she managed to take her Remington despite all the commotion.

"I think this plan needs more work," Skye spoke up. May looked at her, but the younger woman did not back down. "The birds. Remember? Yes, Hitchcock's film was fiction, but he had a good idea of what he was making: a large enough flock of birds can overwhelm most people."

"So what do you suggest?" Coulson asked with curiosity.

"Same thing that she always does – that we use a van," Ward muttered.

"Yes," Skye said, still brightly, "only since we have _two_ cars on our hands, why stop there?"

Everyone started to listen.

/

"This is the most ridiculous plan I have ever executed," Fitz muttered, as he and Simmons rode in a van driven by Skye. The van, it should be noted, just drove around following no discernible path, but the birds that chased it excitedly (in a bad way) did not mind at all, flying after the car in a large black cloud. If this was a straightforward fight, they would have overwhelmed the van long ago, but a good part of them were chasing May as she flew around in LOLA instead, so the other agents were just a part of a whole, as usual.

"Well, what plans have you executed?" Simmons muttered as Skye made yet another sharp turn throwing the birds off track, but the latter recovered quickly. This strategy was taking its toll, the bird flock _was_ breaking up, but the agents also had a limited supply of car fuel, so whatever Ward and Coulson had to do was to be done fast...but they were already on it: while the others were distracting the birds with vehicles, Ward and Coulson crawled up to the now-open beacon tower and looked inside.

Something could be seen there, but only vaguely, most of the lights were out and the agents' eyes still have not recovered from sunlight outside, so they switched on the flashlights.

"Yes, little humans?" the giant who taken over the tower rumbled even as his harp continued to play. "I can see you just fine – you can turn off your little lights."

"Um, you know, the war with the dark elves is over and they have lost," Coulson spoke the first thing that came to his mind (to his future regret). "And this is S.H.I.E.L.D. property; you have no right to be here."

"Bah! The petty concern of humans and the svart alvs concern me not!" the giant rumbled. Being at least 6 meters tall even his voice was impressive. "This is my home now and I shall not leave!"

"Oh? And what if we make you?" Ward could not help but ask.

The giant chuckled and spat. Lightning.

_TBC_


	3. Chapter 3

**Angry Birds (part 3)**

_Disclaimer: none of the characters are mine, but belong to Josh Whedon and Marvel™._

_Note: this story contains spoilers._

_Location unknown_

The giants, agent Ward thought moodily, were getting bigger. The barrowes, undead or not, had been within the range of human sizes...loosely speaking, but this one was something else. There was simply no way that something 6 meters tall could exist in the world, but at least one of them did.

And was wielding a Morningstar that looked gargantuan even by giant standards with just one hand without any trouble at all – this was simply annoying. Well, at least he did not spit any more lightning bolts at them...

"Ward?" Skye's voice came through the comm.-link – apparently it was working despite giant's jamming device (that looked like a harp of all things). "How are things at your end? At ours, the birds are dispersing..."

"And on ours the giant is doing his best to channel the cave troll from Jackson's movie," Ward spat, aware that he was acting unprofessionally, but still...

"...What giant?" Skye naturally asked.

"The one behind all of this. Guess when Thor was wrapping up the dark elf invasion he missed this one."

"Are you talking about a dark elf, a giant, or a giant dark elf?"

"I don't know!" the giant's last swing almost hit Ward. "Get May here with her sniper rifle if the birds are lifting up-"

"I got a better idea," Fitz's voice joined the discussion. "We'll be with you in a moment-"

And then the birds came: a great big flock of them burst into the beacon tower and began to fly around, flocking mostly around the giant, who laughed.

"Little humans," he said, shaking with laughter, "you and your Asgard masters may strut and posture however they want, but you are no match to the true might of Jotunheim! Now feel it!" He began to swing his Morningstar once more, and Ward and Coulson were not sure that both of them were going to be able to dodge it this time.

"Ward," Coulson coughed as he in vain tried to pick the right place to shoot their huge opponent, "it's been an honor working with you..."

Coulson did not finish: Skye's van barreled through the wall (albeit already weakened by the giant's Morningstar) and twisted to the side. A side door slid open, revealing agent Fitz of all people with something that looked like a short and stocky missile launcher of all things. He aimed the not a launcher at the giant and fired. A missile that was vaguely shaped like a coffee pot or a boxing glove struck the giant in the side of his face and burst into a cloud of fragments piercing the giant's face, causing him to lose balance and fall right onto his own machine. There was a burst of thunder and a flash of lightning and all of the birds that were not stunned emitted a great cry and fled in every possible direction. The giant, on the other hand, just twitched several times and lay still, smelling of smoke and similar 'fragrances', clearly cooked.

Agent May, who hated being the cavalry but was stuck being it all the same, finally got in. "What has happened?" she asked.

"Fitz used our newest invention on the giant," Simmons said brightly. "Honestly, it was designed against inorganic obstacles, but this worked too."

"What giant?" May instinctively asked.

The others showed her.

/

It was several hours later, and more of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s cavalry have arrived, mostly on helicopters, but those were more of a Sikorsky type than scouting.

"According to the Council's book, this was a cloud giant," Skye commented to the others, willing to take the back seat for once.

"How come?" Fitz asked.

"These giants, apparently, could live on the clouds, making their homes from them," Skye clarified, reading the volume. "Of course, they also lived in caves high in the mountains; I guess this one opted to live in the tower instead, after he gutted it and reworked the remains – very impressive."

"Not as impressive as my shot," Fitz argued.

"True, but it is supposed to hit large targets," Simmons shrugged. "That said, I'm sure that the thunder god would've done it better and with less hubbub than we have."

"Yes, but Thor still isn't around – there are, apparently, some issues with the Avengers' prison," Coulson said before noticing the others' stares. "I mean that the Iron Man and the Ant Man have designed a specialized prison for supervillains. It works, but there are complications, and the Avengers – including Thor – are currently busy elsewhere. As it is, we'll send this giant to the Watchers' Council and be done with them for now."

"And our plane?" Skye asked guardedly.

"It is being repaired – May assured me of it," Coulson said brightly. "Mind you, the repairmen aren't enjoying it...I mean that they have criticisms of agent Fitz's repairs..."

"Hey! I told everyone that this wasn't my primary field of expertise!" Fitz protested. "It was do or don't back then..."

"Yes, I know and the others know, but the repairmen are...specialists. What can else be said?"

Fitz fell silent.

"And on this happy note...why aren't you all inside?" Coulson continued to ask. Before anyone could reply, other S.H.I.E.L.D. agents emerged briskly from the plane, followed by a rather angry black bear family.

"They got in while we were hiding from the birds," Skye explained. "They may be the smallest bears in North America and we're agents, but I wasn't messing with them. Neither was anyone else, it seems. But now that the bears are gone..." she trailed away.

Coulson just chuckled and shook his head. The weather was still cool but the clouds were dispersing and gave the countryside a better appearance. His team emerged unharmed from their latest ordeal and frankly, after some personal misadventures with alligators Coulson could not blame them for staying away from the _larger_ American wildlife. "You people are something else," he said merely. "Something else."

_End_


End file.
